"Lord, I forgive. Help my unforgiveness." ~Sheila Winton
Forgiveness. I used to never struggle with that issue. If I wasn't in the mood to forgive, it usually only lasted moments, maybe hours, maybe a day or two, rarely more than a week. So, it is hard for me when I find myself in the beginning of a 5th month of un-forgiveness. I literally wake up every morning and go to bed every night with this pill of un-forgiveness stuck in my throat. It breaks me to be this way. I am only speaking forgiveness out of obedience in the hopes that it will, some day soon, stick.
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
I think the reason that I have struggled so much with it this time, is the fact that the person that I need to forgive is a leader in what is now our former church home (a place where I felt at home for over 24 years; half my life; most of my adult life). I could say that the actions and words of this one person are what drove us away from our church, but that would not be the entire story. We had already been wrestling with God for over a year on the fact that we knew that it was time for me to step down from my position on staff at the church. But, I didn't. I kept coming up with a multitude of reasons on why we needed to wait. First it was the fact that I didn't want to step down while they were looking for a new pastor (and we loved the interim pastor). Then, I didn't want to step down right after the new pastor was hired. Then, I didn't want to step down because my immediate supervisor was expecting. Then, then, then. There was always a reason to wait. Or was there? I was not obedient to the moving of the Holy Spirit. Why do I do that?
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
Perhaps, had I given notice a year sooner or even months sooner (and I had stepped down out of obedience instead of out of hurt), it would have been less painful. Maybe we wouldn't have left the church over the spiteful words of someone that we obviously didn't know as well as we thought we knew. Now, granted, we had barely known this person for a year so I'm not so sure why we thought we knew him. Maybe the Lord was trying to spare us the pain that He knew was headed our way. If we had been obedient to His pressing for me to resign, perhaps I wouldn't be dealing with an unforgiving heart right now. So, where my obedience didn't come before, I am forcing it now. I guess you could say that right now I am being obedient for the sake of being obedient.
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
The crazy thing is, the person was accusing us of being disobedient. Only, he wasn't accusing us of being disobedient in our calling(s). He was accusing us of being disobedient in something else, our tithe. His facts were wrong. However, he wasn't open to hearing the truth. It became a game of us constantly having to defend ourselves and each other with this man. It was the second worst week of my life (trumped only by the loss of my older brother). And, now I am in mourning over the loss of my church family. The way this man handled things was horrible and painful. I am still licking my wounds.
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
So, I struggle with the reasons behind my unwillingness to truly forgive. I mouth the words that I want to be true. However, they are just actions of obedience until the real release comes. And, I know that I haven't truly forgiven this man because four months later, we are still not visiting other churches in order to find our new place. And, my husband is on the same page as I am. Neither of us is ready to open our hearts to being hurt by someone in church leadership again.
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
I had someone tell me near the beginning of this entire process that if I truly have forgiven a person (a different person but the concept would apply IF it were truth), it wouldn't bother me when they re-offend because the forgiveness would already be there. I cried about that. I cried a lot. I cried because those words came from someone that I truly, truly respect and love, I tried to take them to heart. Did I truly have an unforgiving heart? I didn't at the time, but those words spoken over me sank in. They sank in deeply and added to my wound.
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
However, when I sought out the Spirit's guidance on that advice, I was drawn to Matthew 18:21-22 where Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” Jesus's response was not a clear cut, "Once. You forgive once and completely. One and done." No, Jesus's response was, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!” Now, as I take it, this does not mean a literal 490 times. This means, you keep forgiving as many times as you have to forgive. I personally believe that means that you not only forgive a person for every offense but you also forgive multiple times for the same offense, if you have to do so. We are to forgive out of obedience regardless of the other person's heart. Forgiveness isn't about them. It's about us and our relationship with the Lord.
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness
21 Then Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy times seven!
~ Matthew 18:21-22 ~New English Translation (NET Bible)
I don't want to have an unforgiving heart. So, I am diving deeper into His Word and doing Bible studies on my own (or in online groups) to help get me to that place. And, I know that He will get me there. He always does. He is ever faithful. I rebuke the unforgiving heart in the sweet Name of Jesus!
#LordIForgive #HelpMyUnforgiveness
Update: I put my little hashtagged phrase at the end of each paragraph to emphasise that I am continually asking the Lord to help me with my unforgivingness towards this one person. At the end of the final paragraph, I wanted to emphasise that there IS hope. I have hope that He will help me. So, I divided my hashtag to show that the unforgiveness is separated because it WILL be gone, with HIS help. As I proofread my blogpost, I noticed that I had put this hashtag phrase seven times before changing it. I felt it was confirmation of the 70x7 being a path towards true forgiveness. And, I am on that path. His promises are real, folks.
