Lord, I forgive. Help my unforgiveness: Forgiving Out of Obedience

My mantra these days seems to be, "Lord, I forgive. Help my un-forgiveness." Now, I'm not one to think that it is ever okay to change the Word of God. However, when I looked at the words of Mark 9:24, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief," I immediately came up with my prayer for un-forgiveness, "Lord, I forgive. Help my un-forgiveness."

"Lord, I forgive. Help my unforgiveness." ~Sheila Winton

Forgiveness. I used to never struggle with that issue. If I wasn't in the mood to forgive, it usually only lasted moments, maybe hours, maybe a day or two, rarely more than a week. So, it is hard for me when I find myself in the beginning of a 5th month of un-forgiveness. I literally wake up every morning and go to bed every night with this pill of un-forgiveness stuck in my throat. It breaks me to be this way. I am only speaking forgiveness out of obedience in the hopes that it will, some day soon, stick. 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

I think the reason that I have struggled so much with it this time, is the fact that the person that I need to forgive is a leader in what is now our former church home (a place where I felt at home for over 24 years; half my life; most of my adult life). I could say that the actions and words of this one person are what drove us away from our church, but that would not be the entire story. We had already been wrestling with God for over a year on the fact that we knew that it was time for me to step down from my position on staff at the church. But, I didn't. I kept coming up with a multitude of reasons on why we needed to wait. First it was the fact that I didn't want to step down while they were looking for a new pastor (and we loved the interim pastor). Then, I didn't want to step down right after the new pastor was hired. Then, I didn't want to step down because my immediate supervisor was expecting. Then, then, then. There was always a reason to wait. Or was there? I was not obedient to the moving of the Holy Spirit. Why do I do that? 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

Perhaps, had I given notice a year sooner or even months sooner (and I had stepped down out of obedience instead of out of hurt), it would have been less painful. Maybe we wouldn't have left the church over the spiteful words of someone that we obviously didn't know as well as we thought we knew. Now, granted, we had barely known this person for a year so I'm not so sure why we thought we knew him.  Maybe the Lord was trying to spare us the pain that He knew was headed our way. If we had been obedient to His pressing for me to resign, perhaps I wouldn't be dealing with an unforgiving heart right now. So, where my obedience didn't come before, I am forcing it now. I guess you could say that right now I am being obedient for the sake of being obedient. 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

The crazy thing is, the person was accusing us of being disobedient. Only, he wasn't accusing us of being disobedient in our calling(s). He was accusing us of being disobedient in something else, our tithe. His facts were wrong. However, he wasn't open to hearing the truth. It became a game of us constantly having to defend ourselves and each other with this man. It was the second worst week of my life (trumped only by the loss of my older brother). And, now I am in mourning over the loss of my church family. The way this man handled things was horrible and painful. I am still licking my wounds. 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

So, I struggle with the reasons behind my unwillingness to truly forgive. I mouth the words that I want to be true. However, they are just actions of obedience until the real release comes. And, I know that I haven't truly forgiven this man because four months later, we are still not visiting other churches in order to find our new place. And, my husband is on the same page as I am. Neither of us is ready to open our hearts to being hurt by someone in church leadership again. 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

I had someone tell me near the beginning of this entire process that if I truly have forgiven a person (a different person but the concept would apply IF it were truth), it wouldn't bother me when they re-offend because the forgiveness would already be there. I cried about that. I cried a lot. I cried because those words came from someone that I truly, truly respect and love, I tried to take them to heart. Did I truly have an unforgiving heart? I didn't at the time, but those words spoken over me sank in. They sank in deeply and added to my wound. 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

However, when I sought out the Spirit's guidance on that advice, I was drawn to Matthew 18:21-22 where Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?”  Jesus's response was not a clear cut, "Once. You forgive once and completely. One and done." No, Jesus's response was, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!” Now, as I take it, this does not mean a literal 490 times. This means, you keep forgiving as many times as you have to forgive. I personally believe that means that you not only forgive a person for every offense but you also forgive multiple times for the same offense, if you have to do so. We are to forgive out of obedience regardless of the other person's heart. Forgiveness isn't about them. It's about us and our relationship with the Lord. 
#LordIForgiveHelpMyUnforgiveness

21 Then Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy times seven!  

~ Matthew 18:21-22 ~New English Translation (NET Bible)

I don't want to have an unforgiving heart. So, I am diving deeper into His Word and doing Bible studies on my own (or in online groups) to help get me to that place. And, I know that He will get me there. He always does. He is ever faithful. I rebuke the unforgiving heart in the sweet Name of Jesus! 
#LordIForgive #HelpMyUnforgiveness

Update: I put my little hashtagged phrase at the end of each paragraph to emphasise that I am continually asking the Lord to help me with my unforgivingness towards this one person. At the end of the final paragraph, I wanted to emphasise that there IS hope. I have hope that He will help me. So, I divided my hashtag to show that the unforgiveness is separated because it WILL be gone, with HIS help. As I proofread my blogpost, I noticed that I had put this hashtag phrase seven times before changing it. I felt it was confirmation of the 70x7 being a path towards true forgiveness. And, I am on that path. His promises are real, folks. 

Lesson Learned: I learned a lesson too

This post is in response to SiriusXM radio jockey, Ashley Tipp's words that she spoke about the BBQ in the Texas Panhandle. Her words infuriated me. The additional post about "National Get Over It Day" and telling people to "Put on their big girl panties" were salt to the wounds of the people of the Panhandle. However, I don't know which came first. If the Get Over It post was after the hurtful comments, that would be completely uncalled for and unacceptable. But, I do not know which came first. Get Over It Post

However, I've been praying today about Ashley and the anger towards her, including my own hurt and anger as a Texas Panhandle resident. I've posted about my anger. I've posted that I wanted her fired. I've posted about cancelling our XM radio subscriptions. However, I have since softened a bit on wanting her to lose her job.

I read a tweet where some guy tried to excuse her BBQ comment because apparently Ashley is pregnant. This actually made her comment worse for me. Two of the men that died have pregnant wives. I wondered how she would feel if she had lost her husband by his being burned alive and someone then makes a "harmless yet distasteful" joke about a BBQ. Yes, she is only human and we all make mistakes. But people in careers where they know their every word is being broadcast nationally understand the power of their words. Thinking before speaking is beyond important. But, I don't always thing before I speak. So I don't want to be hypocritical.

Ashley Till has apologized and I do believe that her apology, although late, was and is sincere. I can believe that her apology was probably late because she was so heartbroken seeing the grief that her words caused. I do believe that she has, as her blog apology says, learned her lesson. Ashley's Apology

So, in the spirit of the hearts of the people of the Texas Panhandle, I have opted to forgive both her and SiriusXM. We are a people that know how to forgive. We won't easily forget and we will still shed tears over the words because we are still deeply wounded. There will most definitely be consequences for SXM because many people will follow up with their threat/plan/promise to cancel their service. But, we will forgive. Some of us will take longer to forgive them than others. But, eventually forgiveness will come because that is how people in this part of the country are raised.

I know that money, of course, doesn't take care of the sting of hurtful words. You can't buy forgiveness. That being said, I do think that SiriusXM should start or contribute to scholarship funds for the children (born and unborn) of the men that died. Perhaps they can contribute to the gofundme accounts for the funerals of everyone that died. Or, maybe set up some sort of local scholarship for ranching degrees or nursing students in honor of the young couple that died trying to save a ranch full of livestock. Another option would be to contribute to the funds being raised for the ranchers that lost everything. We you aware that the author of the very popular children's books, Hank the Cow Dog, lost his home in these fires that destroyed over 100,000 acres (I believe my figure is correct, from the last report that I heard).One of the worst things about this region is our predictably unpredictable weather. One of the greatest things about this region is our people. So, I ask my fellow Panhandle Texans to join me in showing that we are bigger and better and that we will eventually forgive.

I will add that I am now praying for three women (and their families) whom I have never met, all of whom are expecting. The two ladies that lost their husbands this week in these tragic fires have been on my heart and in my prayers all week. I have wept many, many tears for them. These two women will have to give birth without their husband physically by their side. It will be bittersweet when each of them give birth. Both of them will have to raise their children without their husbands. I cannot even fathom their grief. As my husband was a Pampa Fireman for 20 years (since retired), I understand the worries of having your husband and the father of your children being caught up in wild fires. In 2006, I came very close to living your reality. But, I didn't. I'm not sure if that is why this has hit me so hard. I've cried harder than I have in a long time. I truly grieve for your loss. I have children around the ages of those lost which adds to my grieving for these families. One of my sons was trying to get home to his family that day and was faced with road closures and trying to figure out how to get home safely. It could have been us. But it wasn't. This is hitting home, and hitting hard.

But, I am also praying for a third woman. I am praying for Ashley Till and her husband and their unborn child. I don't want Ashley to experience the pain of losing her husband, especially while expecting. I don't want the stresses that any of these women are currently going through to become a danger to their pregnancies. I am praying for their health and the health of their unborn babies.

Ashley, if you read this, while I did not know anyone that died in these fires personally, I have grieved for their losses. I continue to grieve for their surviving loved ones. I have grieved for our ranchers and farmers that have not only lost their livelihood, but their beloved animals and their pastures on which their surviving animals can no longer graze. Yes, your words initially made me angry and made me cry. But I do forgive you. I truly hope that your apology was sincere and that you have learned from this experience.

I cannot apologize on behalf of the families that lost loved ones. I cannot apologize for the ranchers that lost their homes, their cattle, their horses, their livelihood, their friends. But, I do know the kind of people that we are in the Texas Panhandle. I know the heart of my fellow Texans. I am almost certain that eventually forgiveness will come. God bless you and God bless the Texas Panhandle.

I too have learned from this experience. I have learned that I shouldn't lash out in anger. I should first seek His guidance through prayer. So, I also apologize to you. I apologize for calling for your termination. While I do feel that there are always consequences for our actions, I also know that forgiveness is something we are all called to do.